Anxiousness is just normal for an animal such as we. He wanted peace and tranquility, and coped hard enough to get there. He said life is suffering, we've been saying that all along. The Buddha didn't have any secret knowledge of anything. I was happy but I carry so much tension and I broke down sobbing in my car and I've been doing it since. And then we get angry at each other for crying. We're just incredibly social animals, so we cry. Like a rabbit that runs away from the coyote or whatever, it's anxious in that moment and on edge all the time. Being anxious, and for someone like me being depressed and having trauma responses is normal. For a long time I got really into Buddhism, it's practitioners seem so happy and it really seems to work. My therapist agrees with me but I pay her too, in fact my first therapist didn't believe I had ever experienced any kind of sexual assault from anyone. She got away with it because everyone I know thinks it's normal for a woman to do. She took creepy pictures of me, she touched me, said things. I've been aged thousands of lifetimes from her sucking my life force. If I showed emotions that weren't positive, if I didn't agree with her, she would fly into a rage. Being the good mother made her feel good about herself and that's all she wanted. My birth was conditional and I've been on credit. My mother was supposed to be altruistic, but she instead wanted something out of me. People only listen to you when you're suicidal to keep the species surviving. Someone somewhere would listen to you without being paid to. Brain scans would be free if altruism existed, someone somewhere would let you get one. People pretend altruism exists but it doesn't. I wish I could just get a brain scan and everyone could see that I'm not ok. I love the works of Dan Amen, the brain scan guy. Even if my physical ailments and hormone imbalances and everything else heal, there's just not enough science right now to heal the traumatized brain. It just stays the same and can't ever heal. Since birth it's been inflicted with trauma and it's got all these different issues. But for now, I have this brain I can't get away from. I pray to God every day that he will take me, and then people will pretend that they cared about me for a week and then move on again. I can't be happy because I can't escape my own body, my own mind. I'm entirely helpless right now, and I'll probably have someone say something motivating that will make me believe I'm not and I'll get another motivation surge and find another wall. Well I'd just like to move to the next please. Many people believe in reincarnation, I would say most even. It's really the only thing that people have is the when, why can't I just say nope try again. You didn't know, I didn't know, so why not let people be free. If there truly is nothing afterwards then I'll never forgive the religious for keeping me here. I hope to find the proof one day that I can be set free. You might think Of course not when you were young, but I think it was beaten into me to care about the spiritual from the aforementioned religious family. I wasn't always driven to the esoteric and occult, when I was young it didn't bother me at all. It's hard to forgive religion for everything it did to me, but people say to me recently that religion is for people who fear hell, spirituality is for people who've already been there. I've stumbled myself into a weird amount of spiritualism these days for a former edgy atheist internet kid. I'm so so so so happy that it'll end one day, but I was starting to have some fun here too. I actually felt for the first time that I could remember this love or lust of life. I was actually happy, a few weeks ago my therapist was incredibly impressed by my improvement. Everyone says Oh you can't control it, it's just the housing market! This is how every attempt goes. I want out of my situation, out of the house of my abusers. I've learned a lot of helplessness over the years, but I've known what she's been saying all along. My therapist and I were talking about learned helplessness, I gotta take control of anything I can take control over. Even the most altruistic people are probably fueled by image issues or wanting reciprocation or any other infinite reason. Really why reach out at all, it's always the same. I figure I'm gonna get more of the same stuff in reply to the post, but that's on me. When I think I'm happy or rational, it's all just the same things making the decisions. Every thing in my life relates back to my trauma, I have no control over anything.
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